Chattanooga’s Sky Giants: A Hilarious Ode to the Billboards That Yell at You While You Drive

You can think of Chattanooga and you are apt to imagine the gentle sweeping expanse of the Tennessee River, and the misty splendor of the Lookout Mountain and the greenery of the forests. It is a postcard come to life. However, another, much more noisy overlay to the Scenic City scene is the one that does not speak in a lower tone but uses a megaphone of vinyl and commercial greed instead.

I am talking, of course about the glorious, garish and utterly inescapable Chattanooga billboards.

These are not just advertisements. They are the chronic, almost quaint, uncles in the city, who always creep too near at a family reunion to give you unwanted legal advice or, inquiring in a very distressing manner, about the condition of your gums. The trip between Red Bank and East Brainerd is a melodramatic performance that you were acting on the edge of the road and the roles of the characters are crazy and amazing.

Act I: The Legal Eagles of I-24

No discussion of Chattanooga billboards outdoor advertising is complete without paying homage to the Titans of Torts, the Sultans of Suing, the… well, you get it. The lawyers, these gentlemen (and they are almost always gentlemen with jaw lines so sharp you could open a letter with them) have their stern, photo shopped faces plastered along every major commute.

I am a very serious man model. The image of him in your mind is usually of a suit that would cost you more than your car, me crossed, with the expression; I made an insurance adjuster cry. You can just tell how cold and conditioned the air in his office is, how good the leather of his chair is, how hard the thud of a legal brief on a mahogany desk.

Next there would be his cousin the “Surprisingly Approachable” lawyer. This man is smiling a little too big, as though you have just recounted to him your multi-car smash and he has just found the most pleasant story he has ever listened to this week. His billboard is ever of a lighter hue, such as sunshine yellow, and half the time you think he is winking, with a flash of prospective settlement cash gleaming in his printed eye. He does not refer to lawyer he calls friend, a friend who pays a 33 per cent contingency fee.

Act II: The Dental Dramas and Medical Melodramas

There are no breaks as soon as you have gotten over the legal gauntlet; you run into the Medical Mafia. These dentists’ funny Tennessee billboards are a particular type of surreal. There is a particular cartoon Molar that resists me more personality in this tooth than in my high school graduating class. It has skinny little arms and legs, it always has a glittering toothbrush in its hand, and its grin is white as much as it is blinding. It is constantly an exclamation point written in form of a word: “NO FEAR! ALL CHEER!” or “GET READY FOR YOUR CLOSE-UP!” I push away asking what it is that a dental close-up is, and whether I ought to employ an agent.

The rivalry healthcare systems are engaged in some form of silent war over your illnesses. In one of the billboards, there is a woman of her seventies laughing insanely whilst water-skiing, evidently because her new bionic hip is that good. A senior couple holding hands is the other one, but this time, instead of their twilight years being shrouded in the soft-focus glare of a top-tier cardiology department; their years are now filled with the glow of their twilight. You would almost be able to feel the tasteless but healthy hospital Jell O merely by looking at its face. The sensual overload is genuine, the smell of antiseptic, the touch of hospital bedclothes, the beep of a heart monitor, miles away and comforting.

Act III: The Local Legends and Culinary Cheerleaders

But the true heart of Chattanooga billboards marketing isn’t found on the interstate; it’s on the smaller arteries leading into town. This is where you meet the local legends.

And there is, naturally, the O.G., the godfather of them all: the See Rock City bar. It is not a billboard in the typical sense of the word but it serves the same purpose with a soothing folksy dignity that comes as a warm embrace by your grandma. Its peasant quality is a refreshing break of the slick drama you just took.

Then, there are the billboards of local restaurants. Effective billboard designing turns out to be a life-threatening art that can make the mouth water. You will find a notice to a cookie shop so heavenly the characters look like butter and crust. The image of a hot, gravy-covered dish is so high-resolution that there are sausage pieces inside, which black pepper sprinkles in the cream gravy, and the warm, comforting, and carb-laden feel of it. Your stomach grumbles of carnal disobedience. You were going to have a salad. The billboard has different schemes. Now is the time you have to biologically drink 900 calories of Southern goodness.

The Unspoken Bond

What makes the Chattanooga billboards local business signs so special is their sheer persistence. They are a constant in our lives. During summer the sun cooks their vinyl faces and you can bet the cartoon tooth is sweating there. Their neon colors are competing with the bright reds and yellows of the changing leaves of Signal Mountain in the fall. The slightest dusting of white will lie on the head of a lawyer in an uncommon winter snow, and he will have a comical fluffy hat that will entirely destroy his authority.

They are our town criers. They are reminding us that though we are in the Scenic City we are also a city of people who may require a root canal, a good lawsuit or a life-changing biscuit. They are strange, exquisite, and as natural to the Chattanooga visual scene as the mountains are.

So next time you are passing by, do not groan. Get a chance to enjoy the performance. Shake the hat in the direction of the lawyer. Smile back at the tooth. And do blow me, pull up and have that biscuit. It can be postponed to the scenic trip, the Chattanooga billboards have a tale to tell and they are not afraid to scream it (literally) at the top.